What started as a joke about the lack of content during the off-season manifested into an onslaught of peer pressure and unbridled enthusiasm that has forced us to release this article. FINE, you want NFL QBs as Disney Princesses, YOU F**KING got ’em! Please stop DM’ing me!
Prescott and The Beast
Dak Prescott is the Belle of the ball in Dallas, and is our first QB reimagined as a Disney Princess. The same way that Belle strolls into town while people are talking all kinds of shit about her, that’s how the Cowboys QB goes about his business. The sports section of the internet is 90% Cowboy jokes, and Dak just moves along with his head stuck in a playbook. Much like Belle, Dak has been charged with breaking the curse that has fallen over the castle since the Cowboys last reigned as Super Bowl Champs. The team has an owner that some may characterize as a monster who is far removed from his days as a young charismatic rich guy. We are not sure yet if this tale will have a happy ending, but at least at the QB position, there may be something there that wasn’t there before.
Restore the heart of Just Win Baby!
Our next QB turned Disney Princess is Derek Carr. If you thought that Tua was going to be Moana, I’m very disappointed in you. Having said that, Carr is the chosen one who has always had the ability deep inside him to lead his people, no not the caucasians, the Raiders. The Black hole chose him. Besides, “The autumn wind is a pirate, blustering in from sea.” Okay it’s a thin reference, but work with me people! Just like Moana, Carr is on a mission, but he can’t do it alone. He sailed through the air on a plane, across the U.S. to the island of Green Bay and said to Davante Adams… “I am Derek Carr of Fresno. You will board my plane, fly across the country and restore the heart of Just Win Baby.” Now we wait to see what kind of strength and courage these two will have together on their journey. With danger around every turn for an NFL QB, Carr will need help from his entire supporting cast. If you’re enjoying this list so far, what can we say except that you’re welcome!
The Little Kirkmaid
How could you not cast Kirk Cousins as the overzealous and misunderstood misfit with delusions of grandeur? To begin with, based on the amount of guaranteed money that Cousins has made in his career, he obviously made a deal with the sea witch, who as it turns out is pretty good at drafting unbreakable contracts. Cousins has watched the QBs hoisting Lombardi trophies and wishes he could be part of their world. He has had success at times, and other times floundered. Unfortunately, the same way Ariel’s tail and roided out father were holding her back, the Vikings have themselves held Cousins back with horrific managing of the roster, especially on defense. This poor unfortunate soul turns 34 before this season which means the sun will begin to set on his career. He must find a way to capture that which has eluded him, before the end of his contract (2023). Here’s hoping he doesn’t make a Dinglehopper out of himself.
Goat White and the 7 Trophies
This one seemed just too easy. To begin with Brady is definitely the fairest maiden in the land. We know he is a health freak and definitely has a few apples laying around. Plus take a look at the above picture. Don’t even act like you can’t point out Belichick and Arians in two seconds. I actually think I see A.B. as well! Snow White was the original happily ever after, it’s pretty hard to have a better ending than 7 Super Bowl rings. Brady just had a career year in 2021. So while we know that someday Tom’s career will be immortalized in a glass case when he makes it to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, for right now, Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho it’s off to work he goes! (P.S. Jimmy G was the hunter who failed when sent to cut out the heart of Brady)
A Whole New World
Speaking of Jimmy G, the fact that the 49’ers seem hell bent on moving on from him, means he will find himself in a whole new world very soon. Is this the same QB that took San Fran to a Super Bowl, or is Kyle Shanahan just a Genie? With Jimmy set to depart his current city, this means that this lovely red ensemble he is modeling will change colors (We think Panthers Blue would look good). Most of us can agree that Jasmine is the certified baddie of the Disney Princesses and Jimmy Garoppolo fits the same mold. He has twice played for teams trying to marry him off to other rich men, and each new suitor hopes they are finding a diamond in the rough. Garoppolo is about to be on his 3rd wish, so hopefully he makes this one count, otherwise he might soon find himself selling magic carpet rides for a living.
Keep away from angry bears!
To begin with, not our best Photoshop, but this isn’t an art project, so forgive us. Disney’s Brave is the story of a skilled archer who wants to carve out her own path in life. Her defiance of an age-old tradition angers the Highland lords and leads to chaos in the kingdom. If that doesn’t sound like the story of Lamar Jackson, I don’t know what does. A guy who doesn’t fit the prototypic mold of what the elders want in their QB, finding his own way in the league takes courage. Jackson was asked several times to convert to a RB, but he bravely stood his ground, knowing what he is capable of. Like any good Disney movie, Jackson’s journey includes lessons and self-reflection that will hopefully deliver our main character to the person we all know that they can be. As Merida would say, “Our fate lives in us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.” The Ravens see it, and they hope the rest of the world soon will.
Sleeping Tua
Most of the time in Sleeping Beauty, we are all sitting around waiting for this bitch to wake the f**k up. She is supposed to be this perfect princess and the coronation ceremony is already planned, but then what happens… she gets hurt. Next thing you know everyone is sitting around in a trance, waiting for the day she returns to form. Enter Tua Tagovailoa. Prior to the 2020 NFL Draft, fans wished for Tua once upon a dream. The QB that fans drooled over for years then found himself injured and leaving a lot of questions unanswered. Beneath the deep sleep that has been abysmal coaching and roster management, Tua is the same amazing QB he has always been. Much like Aurora, no one could keep him protected, and so now we sit and wait. The day is coming. Mike McDaniel will vanquish the dragon and awaken Tua from his slumber (probably with good coaching though and not a kiss).
Happy Thoughts!
So before you start with the “Tiger Lily” isn’t a real Disney princess,” first off know that you’re wrong. Not only is Tiger Lily LITERALLY a princess in character, but the original author of Peter Pan also stated as much. Not like I’m surprised another strong female minority not getting the credit she deserves. In any event, both the scene pictured above and the Kansas City Chiefs have had their controversial history regarding racism and the portrayal of Native American people. Mahomes, like Tiger Lily, has all the right moves and has been referred to as a savage. Big Chief Reid would be “heep big angry” if you tried to harm his precious Tiger Lily. Having said that, he should improve his o-line so they “no turn ’em loose” on Mahomes. Mahomes will continue playing football in Neverland, where all magical things are possible, but he will be doing it without his tribe member Tyreek Hill, who took the second star to the right and went straight on till Miami… I’ll also let you guys figure out who the jealous drama queen Tinkerbell reminds you of.
A Dream is a Trade your GM makes!
Matt Stafford was absolutely the Cinderella of the NFL for most of his career. Under-appreciated and undervalued, stuck in Detroit with his wicked Step Front Office. Calvin Johnson and a handful of singing mice were his only friends. Along came his Fairy Sean Mother to Bippity Boppity Booyah his ass to L.A. and go on a Super Bowl run. McVay will literally find a pumpkin this offseason and turn it into a WR that gets 400 yards and 5 TDs. The Rams front office, finally found the eligible maiden who fit the glass slipper, which in this case was McVay’s scheme that had got them to a Super Bowl in 2018, before the clock struck 12 on their season as they lost to the Patriots. With Stafforella at the helm, L.A. got their happy ending and Rams fans have truly been granted a wish their heart made.
Colors of the Win
You think the only QB…. who are QBS… are QBS who throw and play like you want them to. Ryan Tannehill is another player that was written off, before he ever had a chance to sing with a raccoon or show just how good of a quarterback he could be. The Titans 2019 Season was about to be dead, but then in Week 6, Tannehill comes running in like Pocahontas to save it! The rest is history. Since taking over for the Titans, he has been one of the highest rated passers in the NFL, and was 12-5 last year (mostly without Derrick Henry). People who thought RT17 was a bust are comparable to the self-righteous colonizers who had already made up their minds about the indigenous people. So you can trash him all you want, and make your ignorant claim. But Ryan knows every route tree and audible… has a life, has a spirit, has a name.
Can’t hold them back anymore!
If you seriously thought I would let the chance go by to portray our favorite QB siblings as Elsa and Anna from Frozen, then you have little faith in me. This duo at times seems like polar opposites, but once they let the facade drop you can see the strong bond they have together. I’d also like to think Cooper Manning would make an excellent Olaf. Tell me you can’t picture Eli outside Peyton’s door as a kid… “Do you wanna build a playbook?” I would pay good money to see the Mannings reenact this movie to be honest. Peyton was always the cold, calculating QB with often magic-like powers. Eli was just… not like that, but they ultimately won the same amount of Super Bowls and now have reunited to bring us laughs and commentary on their Monday Night Football Program. This concludes our list. If we left off your favorite QB (or Disney Princess), we suggest you LET IT GO!! (sorry, not sorry).
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